origins of motivation

where does energy come from? where do you get it? and if you want to get it from a different place, if you want to use a different kind of motivation, well how do you do that?

do you keep doing what you are doing and change little by litte?
do you change all at once? if yes, then does your life fall apart? can you do it fast enough?

i used to run on various motivations, outlined below. most recently, anger was the only thing that got me going really.

i realized that was not the long term way i wanted to live my life. raging out at myself because i had not finished a project, until the frustration, impeding doom of deadlines missed, and make or break pressure finally got me to overcome the hump. get over the activation energy and get the task started.

i wanted to wake up and be motivated to work. do it happily, somewhat. not like an idiot who does not know better, but more like someone where you can see the spirit flowing through them. the energy of life. like i do not know what it feels like to be a plant, but you would imagine that a daisy grows joyously. not begrudgingly.

at the same time, the question really is can i? well, no. how. is th real question. once you decide and realize something like that it is almost inevitable. the question is i have come to rely on that, despite my best desires. so if my engine is running on self-contempt, worry, and fury, do you stop? it feels like changing from an old gas engine car to a fuel efficient hybrid to an all electric car while also driving the car on the highway going 75 mph.

1. You gotta slow down.

hard to drop the engine or change the parts while everything is moving. besides you are going to be operating on the you cannot be navigating and steerign at the same time as well. just drop the speed.

2. Do you even know where you are going?

Talk about distracted driving. If you do not even know where you are going, then like, slow down. seriously. it is that important that i said it twice. besides, if you get off course, it is better that you go in the wrong direction slower. easier to course correct. you would rather be 2 miles off the road than 200, right?

3. Forget deadlines, this goal is your new goal.

Semi truck and you have a delivery to make. Well, you may or may not be late. You have to accept it. If you think you can overhaul the engine, navigate, and maintain speed, then you have made it way more difficult. You can have one priority. This priority is your new priority. THink of it this way: you prioritized all those other things to the detriment of this priority, that is what got you here int he first place. So you need to put time on this step in order to get to the next place. Put another way, you should stop and change a flat tire, instead of just adding more gas. You'll make it, but it will ultimately be slower and by changing the tire, you keep more of the whole situation together.

at first motivated by, well who knows? wanting peace. sucumbing to pressure. the desire to be loved by your parents.
then anger. desire. the desire not to feel lost. the desire to belong.
then peace. wanting peace. quiet. joy from a good place. happiness. the desire to be happy. satisfied.
now something else? desire again. contribution. contrition? it is contribution. impact. the desire to matter? the desire to be desired? the desire to be valued? the desire to know that somewhere along the way you learned something. that you have gained someting. and you can see that because you can help someone. if you did not have anything, then you could not give anything. abundance. the desire to be abundant.